And this is what I hate...

about Facebook. The people who pop up and want to friend you that you'd really rather not know are still walking the earth. Or at least don't care one way or the other.
I'm trying to decide what to do about a message I received today. One of those hey-are-you-who-I-think-you-are messages. From someone I last spoke to about 12 years ago, someone who decided to take sides in my divorce from the Gimp. Obviously, it wasn't my side. Also, obviously the side taking wasn't done nicely, nor did the friendship end well. But end it did. So, I accepted that decision (not gracefully, no, but what 20-something is graceful in the midst of divorce?) and moved on. I haven't actually thought of this person in about 10 years.
And, now completely out of the clear blue I get a message from this guy. My first reaction is why? What possible reason could he have for looking me up this far down the road? Really, what need is there? I certainly haven't felt the need to reconnect. Why would this man decide to contact a former friend he ditched so long ago? Is it an attempt to resurrect a long buried friendship? If so, I can't imagine that going well. The relationship has been dead over a decade. While it may no longer carry the stench of decay, it's certainly not something I want to see shambling around like a reanimated corpse. And then there's the whole question of is it a squishy zombie with the bulging, pus-dripping eyeballs or a dried up zombie, leathery and raisin-eyed? Neither of those is at all appealing.
So, I'm trying to figure out exactly what my response will be. Obscene rejection, dignified fuck you or no response of any kind. I'm leaning more towards no response, simply because I have the sneaking suspicion this will be a squishy one. One little poke and it will explode, spraying rotten bowels and maggots everywhere. Not really a clean up job I'd volunteer for.

btw - there is no doubt in my mind he knows exactly who i am, i have 2 very unusual last names. so unusual that i am the only person by one of those last names in the entire state. not to mention, i look almost exactly the same as i did then, at least as far as i can judge going by photos. so beyond the why bother of reconnecting, there is the why be coy issue. i despise coy.

More time, dammit!

I need more hours in the day. I'm working 10 - 12 hour days, 6 days a week and still can't get everything done. AAAAHHH!!
Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover the state I'm in. I'm so tired I'm loopy and so wound up I can't sleep.
Yes, the store has been sold. The new owners took over last week. No, we are not completely rid of the schizoid former BL. I am setting up the new POS system, not getting call backs from tech support (lazy bastard assholes in AZ), handling customers, running errands and pretty much all the rest of it. The upside - new owners are MOST appreciative, incredibly nice and generous people. They brought me a coffee pot, have bought my meals, pay me on time, reimburse me when I use my money for store stuff and so forth. I hear "thank you" and "you are so wonderful" all day long. I'd forgotten how great it is to work with real decent human beings. I'm not even going to talk about all the shit the former BL has pulled in the last week. We aren't moving to the new location until after Christmas (whew!) and I've been asked my opinion on layouts, stock and pretty much everything else.

Skye's surgery is Nov 5th. Found another knot on her belly. All pre-op test results were good. She is fine and we are fairly optimistic.

Went to that wedding, had fun, saw my niece and nephew and some good friends, got my leg humped by Bonehead, kissed Big D and came home.

Took some pics I'll eventually get around to posting on flickr.

Trying to survive massive allergy/sinus attack caused by taking pictures of fall flowers.

I've made Halloween goodie bags for my babies and now I'm going to bed.

I'm still not married, still haven't set another date, still haven't gotten an oil change and missed garbage pickup this week. And I haven't even looked at the mail or bills or email or blogs or pretty much anything that wasn't work related or dire emergency. Amazing that with all of this I'm still usually in a good mood and enjoying the insanity. Yes, I really really really like my new bosses.

Bits 'n' Pieces

Just some random thoughts floating around my head. I'm too tired and brain-numb to sort them out. My brain is jumping around like a flea on crack. Maybe if I just unload some of it here I can get it to settle down.

I've shared my views on politicians before. Obviously, I don't care for them. Political stuff doesn't excite (or incite) me. I just wish all politicians were required to live on the average income of their constituents. No matter how low it is. It won't make much difference to some, but maybe it would discourage a few of the more unscrupulous and greedy ones. Plus, I think it would be as amusing as hell to watch Senator Porker and Representative Swine try to get by on $32k a year. Of course, if it ever happened, there wouldn't be anyone holding public office in Louisiana. All we've got are the unscrupulous and greedy.

If I hear BL refer to the moving sale as her "last big hoo-hah for good customers" one more time, I'm probably going to lose it. I'm sure she means "hoo-rah" and it's taking every last bit of my self control not to bust out laughing. I'm not the only one who's amused, I caught a couple of customers snickering the other day.

I'm as prepared as I'm gonna get for Gustav. The only thing I'm really worried about is something I can't do anything about. There are a lot of trees around my house, mostly pine. Every time the wind gets stronger than a breeze, branches fall. Lots of big branches. Needless to say, a hurricane makes me a little nervous, waiting for a big branch to come through the roof. Or maybe a whole tree. Yeah, that'd make my week.

I'm going to resort to drugging Skye, if and when we get hit by Gustav. Storms make her really nervous and jumpy. Since she's just had surgery, nervous and jumpy is a bad thing. I really don't want her busting either set of stitches. I'm gonna give her some Ace and hopefully, she'll sleep through it.

There is a pet evacuation center at DCI. The local officials have finally figured out that a lot of people will not leave their pets behind. After Katrina, DCI was used as a shelter for a lot of rescued animals. It worked so well, it's being done again. Oh, DCI stands for Dixon Correctional Institute. Yep, the pet shelter is the local prison.

One last thing. I hate when hurricane season overlaps with lovebug season.

naming God (as an accomplice)

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a problem with religion. It's not that I don't believe in God or that I hate all religious stuff. I just don't like the way most religious groups preach one thing and do another. Like tolerance. Saying "love thy neighbor" doesn't mean a whole lot when you are bad mouthing the neighbor because they aren't "real" christians.
Part of my problem is that I just have no appreciation for fanaticism. Whether it's of the tight-lipped, judgemental kind or the wild-haired, eye-rolling martyr type, I pretty much lose interest about the point some yahoo tells me they heard it straight from God's mouth. Somehow I have a hard time believing God is all that interested in talking to some freeze-dried whackaloon.
Reading the news this morning, I ran across this article. Basically, this little 11 year old girl in Wisconsin died because her parents believed it was better to pray over her than take her to a doctor. She had a treatable form of diabetes, which apparently went undiagnosed. Even though she had been showing signs of serious illness for over a month according to family and friends, her parents thought they should just hold fast in their faith and everything would be okay. I read the article and even watched the video. During the video, pieces of two 911 calls are played. The one from the aunt was awful. The aunt seemed sure the mother would fight EMS over taking the daughter to the hospital. Then I read this article, which was an interview with some so-called man of God about his interaction with the family. He had apparently spoken to the parents as they rode behind the ambulance transporting their comatose daughter. I'll just paste the bit that pissed me off:

In the call Sunday, "they told me that she had stopped breathing and asked if I would pray that The Lord would spare her and raise her up, which I did," he wrote. "I called on our prayer ministers and elders to pray for her too. "The next thing I heard from them was that they were being investigated,which is sad since they don't investigate the people who put their trust in doctors whose family members die by the hundreds of thousands from medical mistakes every year, according the AMA's own admission. "We know that the doctors do the best they can with what they have and we do not condemn them. We would like the same consideration."

Umm, excuse me?? This moron is comparing his mouthing of pleas and platitudes with the work of a doctor who knows how to treat the disease the girl had. How on earth these dummies think their prayers are on the same level as actual treatment just floors me. Sorry, prayers and faith are great but THEY ARE NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL MEDICAL INTERVENTION! Pray all you want while the doctors are giving your kid medicine. Just don't leave out the part where you take the kid to the doctor. As far as I'm concerned the parents are guilty of criminal negligence, that freak preacher is guilty of encouraging (or demanding, depending on his preaching) same and now the adults who should have been taking care of this kid are trying to blame God. That's right, I said blame. None of them are taking responsibility. None of them are saying "Yes, I decided not to take Madeline to the doctor when she got sick. I decided she didn't need medicine, just prayer. I denied Madeline medical care and she died because I decided to pray instead of use my God-given common sense." Not one of these adults has stepped forward and admitted their decisions were this little girl's primary cause of death. Nope, instead they are all saying "We prayed for her" "We did the best we could do" "We stayed fast in prayer" "Our lives are in God's hands" . So, in other words, they are saying it isn't their fault this little girl died from a treatable condition (diabetes), she died because God wanted her to. Somehow, I have a problem believing that. God gave us brains and brains are for thinking, not filling up the space inside your skull to keep down the echoes. As far as the last sentence in the preacher's statement, about receiving the same consideration as doctors, I call BULLSHIT! He doesn't deserve any consideration, he deserves at the least a foot in the ass. He and the parents did not do the best they could, they didn't do anything (the parents weren't even the ones who called 911). Why should they receive any consideration, why does he think that his efforts were on par with what a doctor could have done? A doctor could have actually treated Madeline for diabetes. Instead, Madeline dies at the ripe old age of 11 and her parents and preacher pat themselves on the back for keeping the faith. That's not a miscarriage of justice, that's an abortion of truth. How much you wanna bet her parents are pro-lifers committed to saving unborn children? Too bad Madeline was already past the fetal stage.

imagine me rolling my eyes

I've been a bit scatter-brained lately, more so than usual. I don't know whether it's the time of year, everything that's been going on, or what, but I can't seem to get things done here lately. Not enough time, not enough energy. I have managed to read quite a few books, but then again, I can always find time and energy for books.
I haven't posted anything in a while (obviously!) but something happened today I just had to share. I get a lot of phone calls at the bookstore from people who want to know if we have a particular title in stock. Usually the caller asks what the store hours are during the same phone call. Usually calls like that take about 5 minutes. Today I had one that didn't go quite as usual. The caller definitely made my list.

Me: Book Nook, may I help you?
Her: Yeah, do y'all have a book called Killing Mockingbirds? Or whatever it is, I don't know.
Me: To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee? (You wouldn't believe the variations I hear on that title, but I was pretty sure that was it)
Her: Yeah, I guess, whatever.
Me: Yes ma'am I have several copies
Her: Ok, what are y'all's hours? What time do you close and
what days are you open?
Me: 9:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturday
Her: Are y'all open on Sunday?
Me: No
Her: Ok, so y'all are open right now, today until 6
Me: Yes

And then she hung up. So I went to help a customer and while I was talking to that customer the phone rang again. It had only been about 6 or 7 minutes since that phone call.

Me: Book Nook, may I help you?
Her: Uh, yeah I just called about that book How to Kill with
Mockingbirds and you said you had one.
Me: Yes ma'am
Her: Are you still open, you said you were open till 6
Me: Yes, we're open until 6 today. (It was about 5:20)
Her: Well you're open till 6. Is someone gonna be there?
Me: Ma'am?
Her: I'm sending my kid to get a copy, and I just wanted to make sure somebody was gonna be there in a few minutes since y'all are open until 6
Me: Yes ma'am I will be here until 6
Her: Ok so you'll be there? I mean I don't want to send him if you aren't there when he gets there.
Me: We close at 6, I'll be here until 6. At 6, I'm locking up and leaving. So as long as he gets here before 6, I'll be here.
Her: Ok I just wanted to make sure someone would be there until 6

I had to laugh after I hung up. I really, really wanted to tell her that even though the store was open until 6, no one would be there. She could just come in and get her book. And make sure to leave her money on the counter. The customer who was in the store overheard my side of the conversation and by the time I got off the phone she was laughing her ass off. The best part? When the kid came in to pick up the book, I recognized him. His mom (the one who called) is the stepdaughter (from a previous marriage) of the woman my dad is now married to. I'm just thankful there's no actual blood relation.

Busted

Had a little talk with the Boss Lady recently. She informs me that, while using the store's computer, she found my "little bloggy loggy thing". Not sure which one, probably not this one. I'm thinking it was my profile at MyBlogLog.com. She said from the timestamps (none of which are accurate, different time zone) she knew I had done a lot of that at work and considering all the graphics and text, there was no way I could have done all that in just a few minutes. I'm under the impression she thinks I put all that together, spending hours playing when I should have been working. I don't think she realizes that profiles are pretty much done automatically.
On the other hand, I have used the work computer to send a quick email or message to someone. I've also used it to create a post here. The post only took about 5 - 10 minutes, since it was a copy & paste deal, but still.
I understand that she objects to playing on her time. I even admit that I was wrong to use her computer to play while I was supposed to be working. No problem. Believe me when I say it won't happen again.
The only thing that bothered me: I told her that usually when I used the store's computer for something personal I did it when I was taking a break to eat lunch. I am the only employee, so if she isn't there, I don't get to take an actual lunch break. I sit behind the counter and eat in between customers and phone calls. She told me that if I was taking a break I needed to deduct that time from my hours. My question is, how am I supposed to calculate that as a break when it is constantly interrupted by work? Honestly, some days it takes me 45 minutes to eat a sandwich because I stop so often to help someone. Other days, I end up throwing my lunch away because it sat so long uneaten that I no longer want it.
My solution at this point is that I won't use her computer for anything not work related and when I'm there by myself I'll continue working while eating. Or skip sitting down to eat anything. I guess I'll bring more snacks and just nibble through out the day.
At least she wasn't a raging asshole about the whole thing, like some people's bosses are. She's actually a pretty cool boss so it all evens out. I'll just have to squeeze my play-time here in between work and spending time with T.

Don't ask, don't tell

I have a few pet peeves. (Only a few??? Well, only a few I'll admit having, anyway.) One of them is the phrase "How you doing?"
When did "How you doing?" become an acceptable substitute for "May I help you?" I hate trying to figure out if the kid working the drive thru is ready to take my order or attempting to stall me while trying to figure out how to work the register. If I go ahead with my order, the kid asks me to repeat it. If I wait, I get a huffy sigh and "Go ahead with your order" in a snotty tone.
The other most common usage of "How you doing?" seems to be in response to "May I help you?" If someone walks in the bookstore, I usually say "Hi, is there something I can help you find?" Most common response is "How you doing?" AAAAGGGHHH! I hate it. I was taught that it was extremely rude to respond to a question with a question, unless clarification was needed. And I really don't think these people actually care about how I'm doing, they just seem to feel the need to speak without thinking.
I usually ignore the question when I'm having a bad day. Since I don't like to lie, giving a truthful answer isn't a good idea. If you don't care, don't ask. If I don't answer, move on. Don't repeat the question at increasing volume.
I'm not even going to comment on rules of grammar and how they apply.
The only time I ever ask someone how they are doing is when I actually care about the answer. In other words, I have to like you or be concerned about you to ask. The rest of the time, I don't ask because, frankly, my dear I don't give a damn.

Adding to the list

Not that list. This list.

Contestant #1: The guy who called about dictionaries yesterday. He really needed one, but only if I could tell him the price, binding and print size on every dictionary in stock. Umm, no. I told him he needed to come in and look them over himself. He said he only wanted to come in if we had "good" dictionaries. According to him, the only way to be sure a dictionary was good one was to check for the word "juggernaut". If I would just read out each dictionaries' definition of juggernaut, he could decide whether or not he wanted to buy one. The upside? I now know the man's entire name, home phone number, phone number of the place he's staying and his entire schedule for three days. Yeah, I'm gonna get back to him any minute now.

Contestant #2: Another male customer. I don't know what's going on with the guys around here, but it seems like the dumb-ass convention is in town. Yesterday the weather was god-awful. Major thunderstorm, rain like waterfalls. This guy walks in, looks at me and says, "That's some rain. I guess it's gonna be a little wet today." Ya think??? (No, I didn't say it. I thought it, but my self-control held.)

Last, but not least -
Contestant #3: The little old lady who walked up and down and aisle for 20 minutes, muttering and sighing. Finally, she stops and yells at me, "I can't find the Murder, She Wrote books. Come show me where they are." When I walked back to help her, I found her on the sci-fi aisle, staring at the Star Trek books. BTW, the lady is a regular customer, she comes in at least once a week.

Fruitcake never gets stale

We are so busy at the store I don't have time to breathe, much less think about anything besides the next thing I have to do. Still, sometimes stuff just sticks in my head. Like this:

Most Useless Purchase:
The elderly lady who bought Cliff Notes. First off, she asked me for "that book, you know, I think it was a love story, by Dan Tees. Someone told me about it a long time ago, must have been several years, and I want to read it. It's something about heaven and it's a funny love story." I finally figured out she meant Dante's Divine Comedy, but she had only ever heard of the first part, "the one about the fires." I figured that meant Inferno, so I told her we didn't have a copy on hand and I could order one for her. She said no, she really didn't want to read the whole book, was there a movie or a short version? Her grandchild told her there was a short version of all of those books, some kind of notes some people made. Yep, she wanted Cliff Notes for Inferno. While she was paying for that, she told me she wanted to know what the book was about, but she didn't feel like wasting all that time reading it. WTF??? She is so going on my list.

Free Advice for Drivers:

• Everyone here drives like a maniac, an idiot or an asshole. Get used to it. Your best bet is to figure out the most common habits and join in. Really, it's safer that way.
• Learn how a four way intersection with stop signs works. Hey, you're out in the boonies, we don't have many traffic lights in the woods. Please don't just sit at the intersection for 10 minutes. Racing through it without stopping isn't a good idea either, someone is gonna get hurt. Probably you.
• If you don't drive more than once a month the rest of the year, Christmas is not a good time to change. Call someone for a ride, walk, or stay your ass home. I watched some guy in a land barge block three lanes of traffic yesterday. On Main Street at noon. Trying to turn left as he came out of a parking lot. People got just a little upset.
• Shortcuts are not a good idea unless you are native to the area. Trust me on this.
• Low slung little sports cars are cute and fun to drive. However, they are a really, really bad idea for holidays in the country. They just don't work on gravel roads. There are potholes on these back roads you could lose a cow in, and that's during a dry spell. After two days of rain, those holes will swallow a car and look for seconds. Hope you kept up your AAA membership, you're gonna need it.

Favorite Holiday Music:
Every year, I have a different favorite. Last year it was Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas. This year I'm enjoying Have a Merry South Louisiana Christmas. Various Louisiana artist singing genuine swamp pop Christmas carols. Think zydeco meets Bing Crosby, then throw in some blues, a dash of country and a pinch of rock. Like gumbo for your ears. This is a great album to listen to in the car. Turn it up and sing your heart out. The song that has stuck in my mind the most this year isn't on the album. I love Ray Charles' duet with Betty Carter Baby, It's Cold Outside. Not really a Christmas song, but perfect for winter and wonderful to hear anytime. Those two were artists and it shows. Here, have a listen

Ok, I'm ready for some cocoa and cookies now. Hugs to y'all.

O come all ye fruitcakes

Holidays bring out the best in people. And by best, I mean crazy as a cracked-out road lizard. Working in a book store sounds like a nice, quiet job, doesn't it?

I'm working on a list of Memorable Holiday Moments to post.

Creepiest Christmas Memory:
This happened at the very beginning of the holiday season. I was shelving some used paperbacks in the back of the store when I heard a guy say "Man, you smell good!" I turned around and there is a complete stranger standing behind me, sniffing. I guess my expression must have clued him in to how shocked I was, since he mumbled something and left. Hasn't been back either, so that's one Christmas gift checked off the list.

Most Amusing Customer:
The brunette who bought John Folse's After the Hunt cookbook for her in-laws. She said her FIL was an enthusiastic hunter so he would love the book. On the other hand, her MIL was going to be angry, since MIL would think getting a cookbook was an insult. "She's a terrible cook, but she doesn't know it. She thinks everything she cooks is delicious. So she will think I am saying she is a bad cook, which she totally is. I'm a good cook and I would love to get this book. She's a horrible cook and she won't even appreciate getting this." I asked her if her MIL was really that bad. Her reply: "She put mayonnaise in her lasagna once. She said she ran out of cheese and some other stuff so she just added mayo instead." Glad I don't have to eat Christmas dinner at that house!

I've got a few more stories and I'm sure with 5 days left 'til Christmas I'll have others to add.

Exercising self control

Some days that is very, very difficult. A month or so ago, Boss Lady tells me that she won't be hiring any help for the holiday season. Oh yay. Last year, it took three of us and we were still overwhelmed. This year it's gonna be me and her, and she is busy with a baby and other stuff. So really, it will be/has been mostly me. No wonder I'm so loopy lately.
The day before Thanksgiving, she tells me I have a four day weekend because I won't get anymore time off until after New Year's Day. Of course, she waited until I was leaving for the day to tell me, as usual. She always waits until one of us is leaving to tell me something like this. Usually, she waits until 6 p.m. on Thursday to tell me I have Friday off because she will be out of town on Saturday. I've had to cancel plans a lot.
Yesterday, about 5:50 p.m. Boss Lady says something about being free Saturday since I would be working. First I'd heard that I was supposed to work Saturday. I told her I had already made plans so I couldn't be there. I said I could work Friday. She tells me she has stuff to do Saturday morning. The end result: I work Friday all day and half of Saturday. She says she'll be in around lunch time. Last time she said that, I didn't see her until 3 p.m. So today I reminded her that I needed to leave around midday tomorrow. She apparently was confused and thought I was working tomorrow afternoon. I'm pretty sure it's all straightened out now, but I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow morning.
Back to the holiday thing. Boss Lady told me she was planning to have two girls she knows help out. Mind you, neither knows how to use a register, look up books on the computer, calculate trade credits or what books go in which sections. So the only thing either of them can do is shelve books that I've stamped, sorted and placed on the appropriate aisles. Oh, and gift wrap. I've been waiting for these two kids to show up and I haven't seen them yet.
Today, I found out why I haven't seen the girls. Because they aren't coming. Both of them are too busy with school and other stuff. Boss Lady says neither will be able to help at all, probably not even with end of year inventory. Wonderful.
The last thing she told me today? "Don't forget, I'll be gone Tuesday through Friday of next week." But she is going to call someone and see if they can come at least one day next week and give me a hand, at least for part of the day. Thanks, really.

I really love my job, and Boss Lady isn't that bad. She just has a very unusual view of time. I suppose it could be worse, I do get that discount on all my books and anything else she decides to stock. I guess it all evens out. Eventually.
Pretty sure she is not going to be thrilled when I remind her that I will need a few days off for T's surgery. Which still hasn't been scheduled.

Update: When I got to the store on Saturday, Boss Lady had been there since 8. She fooled with stock and paper work for a while and I shelved and waited on customers. It was so dead I was able to catch up on shelving and do some other stuff. There were 3 Christmas parades in the area scheduled between 10 and 2, one of which was right down the street. Which meant that very little traffic passed. I think we had less than a dozen customers in 2 hours. So at 12:30 Boss Lady told me I could leave. Really, what was the point of making me get out of bed to work 3 hours? At least I had the afternoon off to go out to eat with T.

I feel like I'm working in daycare

The highlight of my day (so far) was overhearing this conversation at the store:

#1: Quit shoving me!

#2: Well, you shoved me first!

#1: No I didn't, I was trying to catch you before you
fell!

#2: I wouldn't lose my balance if you weren't climbing
all over the top of me!

#1: I did not!

#2: You did!

It went downhill from there. The two participants were 70+ year old women. Who came in together. And looked so much alike they had to be related.

The other eye roll was for the lady who said "These were on the 2/$1 rack but I don't know if they are 50 cents each."

Good god people, WHY must you lick your fingers to count money? Do you really think I want to touch something you've spit on? Damn, that is just gross. And then you stop halfway through and lick your fingers again. I guess you have no idea how many disgusting little critters are all over that crumpled, stained 10 year old dollar bill.

I'm nominating all three for the list.

I swear I'm gonna puke on the next person who says "The customer is always right!" to me. No, you aren't right. L'Amour did not write Streets of Laredo, and we don't have to order anything you want. Some people walk in here with the worst attitudes. I try to be polite, but when you start cursing at me I'm going to turn around and walk away. Keep it up and you'll be removed from the premises. And I'll smile and wave bye-bye when the nice policeman takes you away!

Yeesh, some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Excuse me while I vent

Tips for making your book shopping a more enjoyable experience:

1. Money goes in your wallet, not your bra, shoe, or the inside pocket of your workout shorts. I really don't want to touch any cash you have unearthed from some crevice on your body. If you withdraw funds from the First National Bank of Titty, I'm going to lay a napkin on the counter and tell you to put your money on that. I'm not going to touch it with bare skin. If you carry your money in your pocket and your job involves heavy sweating, wrap the money in a baggie, for god's sake!
2. Don't be a jerk. Pissing off the person who decides which books you can get trade credit on is a bad idea. Being nasty to the only person working is a guaranteed way to insure the minimum level of service. There are ways to be polite while not being helpful, and anyone who works in a store knows every way there is. Also, abusive language is a no-no, since Boss Lady says we can refuse service to people who go that route.
3. Don't bring in trash. We don't give credit for books with missing covers, loose pages, stains or nasty odors. Throw them away. If the book is old but not antique, we probably don't want it. If we can't sell the book to another customer, you aren't going to get credit for it. And don't argue or get mad because we won't take your junk. See tip #2.
4. Don't bring in your pets. We are not Pet Smart or Toys R Us. If you can't keep an eye on the dog or kids, leave them at home. If your pet makes a mess, clean it up. If I have to clean up your mess, I'm going to let you know about it.
5. Don't be an idiot. If you ask a question, listen to the answer. Third aisle on the left is not the same as second aisle on the right. If you wanted Woodiwiss and you're looking at Clancy, you weren't paying attention. Also, please have some idea of what you want before you come in. Never ask for "that weight loss book on TV" without having a little more info on it. Title, author or ISBN.
6. Don't pretend to be Boss Lady's best friend. I've already met her family and several of her friends. I know who is on her list of preferred customers. Trying to intimidate me into giving you a discount because you know my boss isn't going to work. Telling me "Dorie always did it" doesn't work either. First, Dorie doesn't work here anymore. Second, I asked Dorie and she said she never did that for you. So now you look like a liar, and a bad one at that.
7. Say thank you once in a damned while. If you spent an hour hunting down some off-the-wall book for someone you would expect them to say thanks. If you don't show at least a little appreciation, chances are the next time you come in no one will be willing to put any extra effort out for you.

My favorite customer today was the Seattle guy who heard me muttering "god, I need a cigarette" and told me he would take a break from shopping to go smoke with me. Mark goes on the list for the same reason. Reva, Mz Pitbull and Mrs. Lily always say thanks. Those ladies are wonderfully fun, courteous customers. Most of the rest need to shape the hell up.

Now I feel better.

I like kids, I just don't like parents

Hey you! Yeah, you. The bitch who just walked into the store with two under- six -years -old kids. Did you somehow miss the large, BRIGHT YELLOW, sign that reads "Do Not Leave Your Children Unattended In The Store"? I guess, even though you stood right in front of it, you just couldn't see it. You just told both of your small children to go play with the kids' books while mommy finds herself something to read. Lady, this ain't a daycare. I am not a nanny. You are the parent, those kids are your responsibility. And you sent them to the children's section, right by the door. I found you on the last aisle on the other side of the store. I'm glad none of the local sex offenders shop here. What were you thinking?
To top it all off, when I caught your kids tearing the flaps out of a $20 pop-up book, and brought them to you, you decided to get an attitude with me. Bad idea. I tried to be nice, I really did. I thought it was very polite to tell you that we have an entire aisle of used children's books, and there are even boxes of Legos on that aisle. Your kids are more than welcome to play with the blocks and books on that aisle. Apparently, you didn't want your children anywhere near you, distracting you while you looked for a Danielle Steel you hadn't read. So, finally, I just told you the owner doesn't allow unattended children in the store and parents must accompany children to the children's new book section. And I walked away, before I punched you for being a stupid, rude, negligent jackass. So, you left the store in a huff, without buying anything. Fine with me, I let my boss know about it when she came in. Of course, we both know who you are. It's a small town, and you are memorable for all the wrong reasons. Next time, hire a babysitter, I just sell books. My sympathies are with your kids. I know they are rude and obnoxious. You taught them to be that way.

clutching patience in both hands

I work at a small book store. Normally, I love my job, but some days.....
This is an actual telephone call I received a few days ago:

Me: Book Nook. May I help you?
Him: Is this a book store?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Are y'all open?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Do you have a book?
Me: Yes, sir, we have many books. Did you have a particular one in mind?
Him: Well, I need a book.
Me: What book?
Him: I don't know the name, or who wrote it. I think it has apocalypse in the name.
Me: Sir, I need the title, author's name, or ISBN. Can you give me any more information?
Him: Can't you just look up apocalypse?
Me: I can, but apocalypse as a keyword brings up over 800 entries. And that's just what's currently in print. Can you remember anything else?
Him: Well, they wrote down the name of the man that wrote it, but I don't know how to say it.
Me: Oh, you have the author's name. Just spell it out for me then.
Him: C-R-O-U-C-H
Me: Crouch. Okay, I can search for books by someone named Crouch.
Him: I don't know how to say it.
Me: That's okay, you gave me the spelling. And here it is, I found a listing for Shadow of the Apocalypse by Paul Crouch. Sound like what your looking for?
Him: Maybe, but I don't know if that's how you say his name.
Me: Sir, would you like me to order this title for you? We don't have one in stock, but I can have it in a few days, and you can decide then if it is the one you want.
Him: Maybe, I guess.

After several minutes more, he finally ordered the book. I told him it would be in Friday afternoon, after 3 p.m. He started calling Friday morning about 10 to see if his book was in.
I left out all the ums, ahs, and you knows he used. Also, the long pauses while he looked for stuff. It was really frustrating while it happened, but after I got off the phone the whole situation became funny. At least until some guy walked in ten minutes later and said "So, is this a bookstore?" I said no, and walked off.

I'm starting a list of people who are just TSTL. He's the first one on it, but you can bet he won't be the last