Shadow's eyes

(Wade's post Cipher cafe reminded me of this)


...forward from - Standing in the Shadow...
You have seen me before, in the spotlight given off by the street lamp at the corner or perhaps in the darker corner of some café. Not the menace of some stalker, just some stranger reading the paper or waiting for a bus. Or perhaps it was down in New Orleans, near the French Market on Decatur Street. When the July sun was so hot, it bleached the colors from your sight. The heat in the air coming off the street seemed to scorch away all your familiar landmarks. Gone were the shades and hues that shaped your world. In front of you other pedestrians were simply another obstacle to avoid. I was there, off to the side, standing in the shadow, taken to pause by the stories unfolding before me . . .
Maybe I wasn't just reading the sports page or waiting for the bus, maybe this is where your character stumbles across the pages of this book I'm reading; a bit part in the Great Play on Life. A full dress rehearsal where you go home each night and review how to be a better actor because tomorrow you will be on stage, again. Me, I am the guy in the audience. I'll be here at the Café du Monde, drinking coffee and eating fresh biegnet, applauding some acts and critiquing others, . . . and trying to make sense of the scenes.
When you have had enough of this hustle and bustle, when you step into the shade to catch your breath, with a half smile and a gesture toward my now empty chair, I will walk away. Somewhere, someone is writing a book I want to read . . . but for now, I'll stand over here . . . in the shadow.
the author


another piece from Shadow. I have always enjoyed seeing the world through another's eyes. Especially someone I know, or think I know, well. There is something lonely about this piece but it's a satisfied loneliness. He chose to remain apart, slipping through the cracks in the world. I am, to a point, the same way. A little more social but on my terms. Other than the people I have to deal with at work and T, I haven't spoken to anyone for a few days. I've lived inside my own head, watching the world continue its mad scurrying without allowing myself to be dragged along. Nothing is wrong, I just want to be apart. That's the nice thing about being a shadow. Unremarkable and unnoticed, I slip away

from Standing in the Shadow

to believe
winds that blow, do coldly,
set loose this soul's unease.
a heart that ventured boldly,
now loneliness must appease.

for why in shelter even sought
this heart a comfort from the wind?
crushed so carelessly without a thought,
man has fallen, love has sinned.

still stands fast this simple man,
with discipline and trust.
for courage wavers without plan
and believing is a must.

tomorrow is but another day,
brought by night to end.
if then love should come my way,
it will be brought,
by you,
my friend.

written by Shadow, for me, shortly after we met

It's been 3 years. I still miss you everyday.

broken

"I've been picking up pieces of a broke down life"

That's what I feel like I've been doing for three years now. Most of the time, it's like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with only half the pieces.

And something as simple as a line from a song heard in passing can bring it all back.

Three years ago, I lost 3 family members in 4 months. Shadow, JJ, and Tony. Husband, sister, father-in-law. Most of the time, I do OK. Every once in a while, I get blind-sided by some stupid, trivial little thing, and hit bottom again. Today was one of those times. I spent the day dealing with memories of Shadow, and thoughts of "never again" running through my mind. Putting a life back together when so much of it was shared with someone who has died is not an easy task. Finding pieces of me, accepting that certain pieces are gone forever, and trying to make new ones. I still don't know what the picture will look like, but at least I'm trying. Just not today.

memories are hell

Inspired

One long kiss

I can taste

me on his mouth

and then

Hands pinned above my head

thighs 'round his waist

ah, god, incredible

skin so thin

I convulse as he breathes

mouth open, no breath to scream

and then

I hear my voice

begging, pleading for that

one little bite, that

sharp taste of pain to

make the pleasure all the sweeter

and I know it will send me

screaming, falling off the edge of the world

and then

hands along my body

lifting, turning

flipping me on my belly

so it begins again.

Yeah, I wrote that, for my husband, couple of years after we got married. He loved it. I still miss him, and I miss what we were together.