The tackiest gift I've ever given

It all started with an e-mail from Amy. One of those nickname ones. This one was stripper nicknames. Of course, once I figured mine out (no, I'm not telling), I passed it along to a few more friends. Because I'm sweet like that and I wanted to share the joy.

Mz Pitbull was one of the people I sent it to and she made the mistake of telling me her new stripper name. And since we are such good friends and I like her sooo much...

Ta - daaahh! Merry Christmas Montana Glitterthong!!

(Yep, that's her name written across the butt!)

And kids, you can't buy tacky like that. You gotta go to Wal-mart and get the fixins and put it together your ownself. Which is just what I did. One pair of shiny hot pink panties, 3 feet of beaded fringe, pink skull iron-on appliques and a whole bottle of silver glitter paint. Add a hot glue gun and voila! you got some serious tack goin' on. The only thing missing is feathers, but only because I couldn't find any.

God only knows what she'll come up with as revenge but whatever it is, this is worth it!

Christmas is coming!

Speeding at me like a derailed bullet train. (Do bullet trains derail? And if they do, do they keep going so fast? Eh, who cares, I like it so I'm using it.)

Anyways, I've been a bit Scroogey this year. Well, a lot Scroogey actually, but I'm working on it. Now if I can just figure out a way to make everyone cooperate...

Hello, is this the Acme Corporation? Yes, I'm interested in mind-control gadgets? You have them? Great! How powerful? Weeelll...
Oh. Nobody makes one powerful enough to handle last-minute shoppers and neurotic relatives?
Sigh. Now I'll have to think up something else for Santa to bring me.

At least I can listen to my all time favorite Christmas song without getting weird looks. People really do think you're strange if you sing carols in July. Especially this one:

Fun and not so fun

We went to the trade show in New Orleans this past Saturday. By we, I mean NewBossLady, MsPitbull and me. In NOLA. On a Saturday. At the Convention Center. Fucking yay. Wasn't too bad, traffic was crazy, but since I drove we made it in about 80 minutes. Yes I have a lead foot and a piss poor attitude behind the wheel. No I'm not a defensive driver. I prefer to think of myself as an offensive driver. And by offensive, I surely do mean shouting "You stupid fucking moron, park that piece of shit SUV and walk!" out of an open window. So that part was amusing, at least for me.
We get there and I discover the true meaning of hell. I have never seen so many women in one place at the same time in my life. It wasn't clouds of estrogen, it was a goddam smog, a sea of surging hormones. And Diet Coke.
It was fun though, once I got past all that. NBL and Pit are a blast to hang out with, we looked at some great stuff. This trade show had lots n lots n lots of jewelry. Lots. Of. Sparkly. Things. Also, cooking stuff, cleaning stuff, clothes (OMG I actually had to stop and look, some of the stuff was great. And I bought a shirt. The other two tried to talk me into a belly dancer's outfit but I had to draw the line somewhere), luggage, knickyknacks, you name it somebody was selling it. We bought a bunch of stuff for the store, took business cards to make appointments with vendors, looked at everything, touched most things and did a good bit of personal shopping.
Lessee, I bought jewelry for me, jewelry for T, clothing for me and the nieces and best of all knives. Umm, I bought 5 knives. 1 big ass blade as long as my forearm and 4 smaller ones. My favorite kind of sparkly stuff.

Today a jewelry guy came by the store to see NBL. Pit and I helped select some jewelry for the store and bought ourselves some sparklies of our very own. Nice to get stuff at cost and be able to help pick stuff out. Between the 3 of us we have a pretty wide range of tastes so lots of different kinds of things to play with now. I really liked this necklace, chunky pieces of smoky quartz. A little to big to suit me but I loved it.

We have been crazy busy but it's all been pretty fun. I like working in such a light hearted atmosphere. Other than the former crazy owner/boss lady (who has been renamed Satan's Psycho Cow) coming around everything has been great. The other ongoing problem is our main distributor for books. Their order site has been down since Saturday morning. So we are unable to look up or order books and our order has been delayed. yippee fun joy for me.
We are dealing with it but it does add a touch of aggravation to the day.

Anyway, I'm doing ok. I'm loving work, T came home this morning to spend Thanksgiving, I talked to both brothers and both parents in the last few days and everything is going well.

Oh, the not so fun? That was this evening. Turning into a total klutz. Tripping and falling down my stairs. Busting my knee and my face. The knee can be hidden under jeans but I think it's gonna be pretty hard to hide the humongous fat lip I've got. And the bruised chin. *sigh* Oh well, at least I didn't break my glasses.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my favorite Troublemakers! Hope y'all have a wonderful Thursday.

P.S. Pit brought me a can of coffee beans - the brand is Kicking Horse and it's the KickAss dark - anybody tried this stuff before? It smells good, I haven't tried it yet. Gotta love a friend who knows your weaknesses.

More time, dammit!

I need more hours in the day. I'm working 10 - 12 hour days, 6 days a week and still can't get everything done. AAAAHHH!!
Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover the state I'm in. I'm so tired I'm loopy and so wound up I can't sleep.
Yes, the store has been sold. The new owners took over last week. No, we are not completely rid of the schizoid former BL. I am setting up the new POS system, not getting call backs from tech support (lazy bastard assholes in AZ), handling customers, running errands and pretty much all the rest of it. The upside - new owners are MOST appreciative, incredibly nice and generous people. They brought me a coffee pot, have bought my meals, pay me on time, reimburse me when I use my money for store stuff and so forth. I hear "thank you" and "you are so wonderful" all day long. I'd forgotten how great it is to work with real decent human beings. I'm not even going to talk about all the shit the former BL has pulled in the last week. We aren't moving to the new location until after Christmas (whew!) and I've been asked my opinion on layouts, stock and pretty much everything else.

Skye's surgery is Nov 5th. Found another knot on her belly. All pre-op test results were good. She is fine and we are fairly optimistic.

Went to that wedding, had fun, saw my niece and nephew and some good friends, got my leg humped by Bonehead, kissed Big D and came home.

Took some pics I'll eventually get around to posting on flickr.

Trying to survive massive allergy/sinus attack caused by taking pictures of fall flowers.

I've made Halloween goodie bags for my babies and now I'm going to bed.

I'm still not married, still haven't set another date, still haven't gotten an oil change and missed garbage pickup this week. And I haven't even looked at the mail or bills or email or blogs or pretty much anything that wasn't work related or dire emergency. Amazing that with all of this I'm still usually in a good mood and enjoying the insanity. Yes, I really really really like my new bosses.

Happy Easter

Does the first post of the year set the tone?

In my case, probably not. Unless you count random thoughts and silliness. Anyway, I'm semi-recovered from the holidays. Now if Boss Lady will just stay in town and come in to the store occasionally, I'd be just fine.
Since I haven't posted in 2 weeks, I've got all sorts of stuff whirling around in my head. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a way to work everything in under a single topic. Owls, T, presents, barbarians, and theft. Just for starters. Nope, I just can't see a way to do it. So, before somebody starts making wild stories up to cover all those, I'll go ahead and throw it at ya.

Theft isn't usually amusing, especially to someone in retail. We really, really hate shoplifters. And of course, the holidays are wonderful opportunities for the sticky-fingered. Boss Lady was pissed, steam coming out of her ears, when she realized someone had stolen a couple of hardback books the Saturday before New Year's. I just tried very hard not to laugh, since I didn't want Boss Lady to go off on me. But really, it struck me as funny. This woman stole Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Commentary and Halley's Bible Handbook. Somehow, I don't think reading religious material you stole will win you any points with Jeebus. "For it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay saith the Lord." Hey, is that ozone I smell? Just kidding!

Presents are good. I love getting presents. My Christmas present from T came in early and since he's the impatient type, I got it a few days before Christmas. Which left me without a Christmas present to open on Christmas Eve. T decided that needed to be fixed, so this is what I found when I came home from work Dec. 24th: Note to self: Don't let T play with the camera anymore.

Owls. Now where was I going with owls? Oh yeah, the owl incident. If you look back a bit, you'll see pics from my ride to work. Obviously, I'm out in the boonies. Coming home after dark on these back roads is always great fun. Deer, raccoons, opossums, rabbits and the other night an owl. It was late, I was going slow (for me anyway) and got the hell scared outta me. I came around a sharp curve, headed across a little bridge and thought a deer was about to run out of the bushes. Instead a HUGE frickin' owl swoops out of the trees on one side, down into the middle of the road and back up into the trees on the other side. My first thought: Oh shit, brakes!!! My second thought: What was THAT? A fucking pterodactyl? Boys and girls, real owls do not look like Big Mama from The Fox & The Hound! So, lesson learned, no more doing 75 m.p.h. at night on curvy little country roads.

Lastly, barbarians. I took the local members of the Horde their presents the day after Christmas. Everybody liked their books, even the mini-barbarian. Of course, little Genghis used his books to beat on the floor, his sister's head and any other handy surface. But, hey, what's a holiday without a minor concussion for your nearest and dearest? I wouldn't know how to handle it if we didn't have to take someone to the doctor every year.

That's little Genghis. Cute little monster, but of course I could be a wee bit biased. The arm belongs to his older brother, Porkchop. (And yeah, that's my voice, are ya happy now? You know who you are!) This vid may not stay up long, if I can figure out how to move the other one from the camera to the computer I intend to replace it. Enjoy it while it lasts.

OK, enough for me now. I'm tired and I have 5 more very long days to get through before Boss Lady gets back to town.

Christmas in Louisiana

Happy Holidays!

Well, I was going to post some stories, but I've changed my mind. I'm feeling rather sweet for the moment. I've spent most of the day with T, visiting his mom. I'm still a bit bubbly, so instead of telling stories about work I think I'll do this instead. My favorite thing about Christmas is the music. I don't think any other type of music manages to cause tears and laughter simultaneously quite as well as any carol does. I'm not particularly religious but I love Christmas carols. So I wanted to share one of my favorites

Hope everyone has a great time celebrating! Peace, love and joy to y'all

Fruitcake never gets stale

We are so busy at the store I don't have time to breathe, much less think about anything besides the next thing I have to do. Still, sometimes stuff just sticks in my head. Like this:

Most Useless Purchase:
The elderly lady who bought Cliff Notes. First off, she asked me for "that book, you know, I think it was a love story, by Dan Tees. Someone told me about it a long time ago, must have been several years, and I want to read it. It's something about heaven and it's a funny love story." I finally figured out she meant Dante's Divine Comedy, but she had only ever heard of the first part, "the one about the fires." I figured that meant Inferno, so I told her we didn't have a copy on hand and I could order one for her. She said no, she really didn't want to read the whole book, was there a movie or a short version? Her grandchild told her there was a short version of all of those books, some kind of notes some people made. Yep, she wanted Cliff Notes for Inferno. While she was paying for that, she told me she wanted to know what the book was about, but she didn't feel like wasting all that time reading it. WTF??? She is so going on my list.

Free Advice for Drivers:

• Everyone here drives like a maniac, an idiot or an asshole. Get used to it. Your best bet is to figure out the most common habits and join in. Really, it's safer that way.
• Learn how a four way intersection with stop signs works. Hey, you're out in the boonies, we don't have many traffic lights in the woods. Please don't just sit at the intersection for 10 minutes. Racing through it without stopping isn't a good idea either, someone is gonna get hurt. Probably you.
• If you don't drive more than once a month the rest of the year, Christmas is not a good time to change. Call someone for a ride, walk, or stay your ass home. I watched some guy in a land barge block three lanes of traffic yesterday. On Main Street at noon. Trying to turn left as he came out of a parking lot. People got just a little upset.
• Shortcuts are not a good idea unless you are native to the area. Trust me on this.
• Low slung little sports cars are cute and fun to drive. However, they are a really, really bad idea for holidays in the country. They just don't work on gravel roads. There are potholes on these back roads you could lose a cow in, and that's during a dry spell. After two days of rain, those holes will swallow a car and look for seconds. Hope you kept up your AAA membership, you're gonna need it.

Favorite Holiday Music:
Every year, I have a different favorite. Last year it was Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas. This year I'm enjoying Have a Merry South Louisiana Christmas. Various Louisiana artist singing genuine swamp pop Christmas carols. Think zydeco meets Bing Crosby, then throw in some blues, a dash of country and a pinch of rock. Like gumbo for your ears. This is a great album to listen to in the car. Turn it up and sing your heart out. The song that has stuck in my mind the most this year isn't on the album. I love Ray Charles' duet with Betty Carter Baby, It's Cold Outside. Not really a Christmas song, but perfect for winter and wonderful to hear anytime. Those two were artists and it shows. Here, have a listen

Ok, I'm ready for some cocoa and cookies now. Hugs to y'all.

O come all ye fruitcakes

Holidays bring out the best in people. And by best, I mean crazy as a cracked-out road lizard. Working in a book store sounds like a nice, quiet job, doesn't it?

I'm working on a list of Memorable Holiday Moments to post.

Creepiest Christmas Memory:
This happened at the very beginning of the holiday season. I was shelving some used paperbacks in the back of the store when I heard a guy say "Man, you smell good!" I turned around and there is a complete stranger standing behind me, sniffing. I guess my expression must have clued him in to how shocked I was, since he mumbled something and left. Hasn't been back either, so that's one Christmas gift checked off the list.

Most Amusing Customer:
The brunette who bought John Folse's After the Hunt cookbook for her in-laws. She said her FIL was an enthusiastic hunter so he would love the book. On the other hand, her MIL was going to be angry, since MIL would think getting a cookbook was an insult. "She's a terrible cook, but she doesn't know it. She thinks everything she cooks is delicious. So she will think I am saying she is a bad cook, which she totally is. I'm a good cook and I would love to get this book. She's a horrible cook and she won't even appreciate getting this." I asked her if her MIL was really that bad. Her reply: "She put mayonnaise in her lasagna once. She said she ran out of cheese and some other stuff so she just added mayo instead." Glad I don't have to eat Christmas dinner at that house!

I've got a few more stories and I'm sure with 5 days left 'til Christmas I'll have others to add.