Sharing the lulz

I have a really warped sense of humor. But y'all know this already, right? And I love to read (this is also not a surprise). So when I find something that combines 2 of my favoritest things in the whole world, I gotta share.

Books and pervy funny:

(All links are pretty much NSFW. You've been warned)

Link #1 - Failblog. Pretty obvious dirty joke HERE. Reninded me of my favorite dirty story punchline. "EWW, what is that white stuff?"

Link #2 - Now this one is kinda gross. If you have issues with gory, skip this one, okay? If you click it, I'm not responsible for nightmares, nausea or nasty headaches. Chris's Invincible Super-Blog. Here's what you're looking for: click the link, scroll down past the first few pics, take a quick look at the picture of the ghost nurses (just because it causes an OMGWTF? moment), scroll past the ghost nurse closeup. Are you looking at the back of a guy in a blue coat? Good, cuz that's the one I'm talking about. Read the speech bubble. Spit coffee on keyboard. Choke, laugh and read again. I'm so passing that along to Mz Pitbull.

Link #3 - Sailor Jim the Storyteller on the subject of penises. If you've ever read a romance novel you understand the dilemma. And the humor of erect penii. Sorry fellas, but they are.

Link #4 - Saving the best for last. Candy from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books reviews Decadent. The review is hilarious, the comments are even more so and the LOLporn, oh yes the LOLporn. So make sure you click the link and read the comments. If the idea of teh buttsecks freaks you out, skip this one. Cuz there's lots of it. With descriptions and jokes and pictures even. I'll never be able to look at Lifesavers again.

By the way, everything here is Saysh's fault (thanks Saysh, I love you *smooch*) since she's the one who gave me the link to Smart Bitches in the first place. And Smart Bitches had the links to the other spots. Even Failblog, although I'd already seen it since Failblog is in my faves. Why did Saysh give me a link to Smart Bitches? Well, besides knowing I love to read, I'm pretty sure she wanted to pay me back for giving her the link to Desperately Seeking.....Something.

Distraction found

OK, HERE ARE YOUR WORDS OF ADVICE FOR TODAY...
Never,
Ever,
Ever
~EVER~
Under ANY Circumstance

Kiss A Monkey!!

Thanks Mz_Pitbull, I really needed that! (I always wanted a self-fellating monkey!)

Bad choices - but at least they provide amusement to others

I always wondered why people vandalize property. Especially when the vandal does something like spray painting their full name across the back of the police station. Somebody got dropped on his head too many times as a child. This one was a little different. If the police ever catch this guy, the attempts to identify him and prove his guilt are sure to be entertaining.
The second story is about yet another man caught in a public display of affection. His chosen love interest, however, was a mannequin. Personally, I think this one is the fault of the security guard, who should have respected a closed door.
The Smoking Gun has some of the most entertaining mug shots I've ever seen. Speaking of poor decision making skills, these folks' problems apparently started well before their arrests.

This last one sounded like a great idea. Anyone who has had to endure some of the spelling and grammar atrocities so prevalent today will probably cheer these guys on every step.

More real news

Pure laziness is what it is. So I'm doing news stories again, which of course I got from somewhere else. It was this or random thoughts and my randoms weren't very nice today. Which means a rant about work is coming real soon. Anyway, here's my version of important stuff people should know:

• Stop Alien Abductions! This has to be one of the funnier sites I've run across. I absolutely love the detailed instructions, complete with a list of needed skills. Also, as you can see, the writer included tool and material lists. I would try to make one of these, but anyone who has seen me with scissors knows how bad an idea that would be. I am going to try to find out more about this guy.
• Chocolate and the environment - Now this is something I consider important. I like chocolate, a lot. Which explains why I weigh more than I want. Get into a smaller size or have another Ghirardelli dark chocolate & mint square? Real easy choice for me. Hey, I'm helping the environment! I think I'll have two pieces.
• Multiple orgasms carried to the extreme - Thanks to GVI who posted a link to this story. I don't know whether I am sympathetic or jealous. I do know that I'd change career paths if I were this lady.

So now you know. I'm lazy and frivolous. Could be worse. I could be mean, arrogant, self-righteous and condescending. But that would take more energy than I am willing to expend.

This is the closest I get to real news

Remember when I said I am rarely serious? I was telling the gods' honest truth. The links in this post are about as close as I get to real news. My fellow d-hallers hopefully will appreciate the humor.

• I really think Lola and Wade should enter this contest. I wonder if the judges allow assless chaps. At least boxers are on the approved apparel list!
• This is for everyone who finds Google ads amusing. It's not about the ads themselves, but I did wonder what would happen if the glitch moved from matching photos with stories to matching ads to websites. I can only imagine stripper pole ads appearing on a conservative religious site. And Mishee, the word algorithms only appears once, but it's plural so does it count as more than one instance?
• After a discussion about coffee earlier today, I ran across a story about coffee condoms. I wonder if they come in New Orleans Blend Dark Roast?
• Criminals with sex toys? Not sure I want more details about why the appliance was tethered to the guy.
• Now this is what I call ironic. If you are such an asshole that even other assholes condemn you, maybe you should just stay home.

Okay, I'm done for the night. I have a really great book waiting for me. I'd like to at least start Laurell Hamilton's A Lick of Frost before bedtime. Or maybe not.

Some people will put anything in their mouths

Especially when the person is an idiot. Why would a man take female hormones? Apparently, to make money and please his boss. What a moron. I put this in the same category as Larry-boy and the Pants man.

update - One would have been enough

There wasn't supposed to be any speculating. Apparently, there was no need to speculate:
More on the rubber suit wearing Baptist preacher from Alabama
This is supposed to be the unsanitized version of the medical examiner's report.

One would have been enough

Alabama, Baptist preacher, rubber, bondage
but no speculating!

I think she knew

Sen. Larry Craig's wife contributed This Recipe to Congress Cooks! Larry thinks it's a great snack.

just a quickie

Sometimes I have a really warped sense of humor. These two news stories gave me a chuckle.

Erotic Corn Dog Eating Contest - yes it exists. The end of the article was a little more serious. I really enjoyed the official statement of "We don't have anything to do with it" when the contest was held right outside the administration building for 4 years. It just means the fair's big hoo-ha enjoyed it until caught.

So Whaddya Think? - the last line just topped it all off. Plus, if the clerk didn't respond with somethin ala Bernadette from Pink Cadillac (It looks like a penis, only smaller), I'm thinking she should have.

Sometimes, I just have to share.

I tried, but...

I've been more scatter-brained than usual this week, so random thoughts it is.

Crime and Punishment:
I have very mixed feelings about capital punishment and the prison system. On the one hand, I think anyone who has been proven,without a doubt, to commit a crime should be punished. Crimes like premeditated murder, child molestation, and rape should be punishable by death, at the least. On the other hand, I don't automatically believe everyone who has been convicted of a crime is a waste of skin, scum of the earth, etc. I knew the author of this story very well, and I considered him to be extremely intelligent, generous and compassionate. He was also a stubborn, arrogant SOB. People commit crimes for a wide variety of reasons, so maybe we should all be a little less inclined to judge people on their pasts.

Religion:
I had another one of those "Yikes!" moments today. This one occurred when a customer invited me to "meet with a cell of like-minded individuals" at a local church. The phrase "cell of like-minded individuals" made me think of Klan meetings and milita groups. Since I seriously doubt the man has any idea what my beliefs actually are (I don't discuss my religious beliefs at work, since I mostly like my job), I just thanked him for the invitation, and redirected the conversation.

Politics:
Wouldn't you just know it? I got home one day last week, and I was really looking forward to a hot shower. I mean, really looking forward to it. So much so that there was a trail of clothes from the front door to the bathroom. Just as I found a clip to pin my hair up, somebody knocks on the door. By the time I threw on shorts and shirt and opened the door, the knocker had gone. But he left me a political flyer stuck on my door. Right under the "No Soliciting" sign. I guess everyone around here thinks the word soliciting only has to do with prostitution. Even if that were true, it would still apply in this case, since in my opinion, all politicians are whores anyway.

Sex:
I don't understand why people get so uptight about sex. It's the most enjoyable, and funniest, thing a person can do to or with another (or more, whatever rings your bell). That doesn't apply to non-consensual sex or child molestation, which are sick. But between consenting adults, of whatever gender and number, well, have a ball (or two)! Too many people worry way too damn much about others' sex lives. I pretty much don't care, if I am not the person sleeping with you, then it's none of my business. So, I would appreciate the same courtesy in return. Unless I'm among friends, and then, it depends on just how close we are. Feel free to tell me a raunchy joke or two, I love 'em!

There, I think I've hit most of the taboo subjects. Don't take it so serious, I don't.