imagine me rolling my eyes

I've been a bit scatter-brained lately, more so than usual. I don't know whether it's the time of year, everything that's been going on, or what, but I can't seem to get things done here lately. Not enough time, not enough energy. I have managed to read quite a few books, but then again, I can always find time and energy for books.
I haven't posted anything in a while (obviously!) but something happened today I just had to share. I get a lot of phone calls at the bookstore from people who want to know if we have a particular title in stock. Usually the caller asks what the store hours are during the same phone call. Usually calls like that take about 5 minutes. Today I had one that didn't go quite as usual. The caller definitely made my list.

Me: Book Nook, may I help you?
Her: Yeah, do y'all have a book called Killing Mockingbirds? Or whatever it is, I don't know.
Me: To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee? (You wouldn't believe the variations I hear on that title, but I was pretty sure that was it)
Her: Yeah, I guess, whatever.
Me: Yes ma'am I have several copies
Her: Ok, what are y'all's hours? What time do you close and
what days are you open?
Me: 9:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturday
Her: Are y'all open on Sunday?
Me: No
Her: Ok, so y'all are open right now, today until 6
Me: Yes

And then she hung up. So I went to help a customer and while I was talking to that customer the phone rang again. It had only been about 6 or 7 minutes since that phone call.

Me: Book Nook, may I help you?
Her: Uh, yeah I just called about that book How to Kill with
Mockingbirds and you said you had one.
Me: Yes ma'am
Her: Are you still open, you said you were open till 6
Me: Yes, we're open until 6 today. (It was about 5:20)
Her: Well you're open till 6. Is someone gonna be there?
Me: Ma'am?
Her: I'm sending my kid to get a copy, and I just wanted to make sure somebody was gonna be there in a few minutes since y'all are open until 6
Me: Yes ma'am I will be here until 6
Her: Ok so you'll be there? I mean I don't want to send him if you aren't there when he gets there.
Me: We close at 6, I'll be here until 6. At 6, I'm locking up and leaving. So as long as he gets here before 6, I'll be here.
Her: Ok I just wanted to make sure someone would be there until 6

I had to laugh after I hung up. I really, really wanted to tell her that even though the store was open until 6, no one would be there. She could just come in and get her book. And make sure to leave her money on the counter. The customer who was in the store overheard my side of the conversation and by the time I got off the phone she was laughing her ass off. The best part? When the kid came in to pick up the book, I recognized him. His mom (the one who called) is the stepdaughter (from a previous marriage) of the woman my dad is now married to. I'm just thankful there's no actual blood relation.

Adding to the list

Not that list. This list.

Contestant #1: The guy who called about dictionaries yesterday. He really needed one, but only if I could tell him the price, binding and print size on every dictionary in stock. Umm, no. I told him he needed to come in and look them over himself. He said he only wanted to come in if we had "good" dictionaries. According to him, the only way to be sure a dictionary was good one was to check for the word "juggernaut". If I would just read out each dictionaries' definition of juggernaut, he could decide whether or not he wanted to buy one. The upside? I now know the man's entire name, home phone number, phone number of the place he's staying and his entire schedule for three days. Yeah, I'm gonna get back to him any minute now.

Contestant #2: Another male customer. I don't know what's going on with the guys around here, but it seems like the dumb-ass convention is in town. Yesterday the weather was god-awful. Major thunderstorm, rain like waterfalls. This guy walks in, looks at me and says, "That's some rain. I guess it's gonna be a little wet today." Ya think??? (No, I didn't say it. I thought it, but my self-control held.)

Last, but not least -
Contestant #3: The little old lady who walked up and down and aisle for 20 minutes, muttering and sighing. Finally, she stops and yells at me, "I can't find the Murder, She Wrote books. Come show me where they are." When I walked back to help her, I found her on the sci-fi aisle, staring at the Star Trek books. BTW, the lady is a regular customer, she comes in at least once a week.

Fruitcake never gets stale

We are so busy at the store I don't have time to breathe, much less think about anything besides the next thing I have to do. Still, sometimes stuff just sticks in my head. Like this:

Most Useless Purchase:
The elderly lady who bought Cliff Notes. First off, she asked me for "that book, you know, I think it was a love story, by Dan Tees. Someone told me about it a long time ago, must have been several years, and I want to read it. It's something about heaven and it's a funny love story." I finally figured out she meant Dante's Divine Comedy, but she had only ever heard of the first part, "the one about the fires." I figured that meant Inferno, so I told her we didn't have a copy on hand and I could order one for her. She said no, she really didn't want to read the whole book, was there a movie or a short version? Her grandchild told her there was a short version of all of those books, some kind of notes some people made. Yep, she wanted Cliff Notes for Inferno. While she was paying for that, she told me she wanted to know what the book was about, but she didn't feel like wasting all that time reading it. WTF??? She is so going on my list.

Free Advice for Drivers:

• Everyone here drives like a maniac, an idiot or an asshole. Get used to it. Your best bet is to figure out the most common habits and join in. Really, it's safer that way.
• Learn how a four way intersection with stop signs works. Hey, you're out in the boonies, we don't have many traffic lights in the woods. Please don't just sit at the intersection for 10 minutes. Racing through it without stopping isn't a good idea either, someone is gonna get hurt. Probably you.
• If you don't drive more than once a month the rest of the year, Christmas is not a good time to change. Call someone for a ride, walk, or stay your ass home. I watched some guy in a land barge block three lanes of traffic yesterday. On Main Street at noon. Trying to turn left as he came out of a parking lot. People got just a little upset.
• Shortcuts are not a good idea unless you are native to the area. Trust me on this.
• Low slung little sports cars are cute and fun to drive. However, they are a really, really bad idea for holidays in the country. They just don't work on gravel roads. There are potholes on these back roads you could lose a cow in, and that's during a dry spell. After two days of rain, those holes will swallow a car and look for seconds. Hope you kept up your AAA membership, you're gonna need it.

Favorite Holiday Music:
Every year, I have a different favorite. Last year it was Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas. This year I'm enjoying Have a Merry South Louisiana Christmas. Various Louisiana artist singing genuine swamp pop Christmas carols. Think zydeco meets Bing Crosby, then throw in some blues, a dash of country and a pinch of rock. Like gumbo for your ears. This is a great album to listen to in the car. Turn it up and sing your heart out. The song that has stuck in my mind the most this year isn't on the album. I love Ray Charles' duet with Betty Carter Baby, It's Cold Outside. Not really a Christmas song, but perfect for winter and wonderful to hear anytime. Those two were artists and it shows. Here, have a listen

Ok, I'm ready for some cocoa and cookies now. Hugs to y'all.

I feel like I'm working in daycare

The highlight of my day (so far) was overhearing this conversation at the store:

#1: Quit shoving me!

#2: Well, you shoved me first!

#1: No I didn't, I was trying to catch you before you
fell!

#2: I wouldn't lose my balance if you weren't climbing
all over the top of me!

#1: I did not!

#2: You did!

It went downhill from there. The two participants were 70+ year old women. Who came in together. And looked so much alike they had to be related.

The other eye roll was for the lady who said "These were on the 2/$1 rack but I don't know if they are 50 cents each."

Good god people, WHY must you lick your fingers to count money? Do you really think I want to touch something you've spit on? Damn, that is just gross. And then you stop halfway through and lick your fingers again. I guess you have no idea how many disgusting little critters are all over that crumpled, stained 10 year old dollar bill.

I'm nominating all three for the list.

I swear I'm gonna puke on the next person who says "The customer is always right!" to me. No, you aren't right. L'Amour did not write Streets of Laredo, and we don't have to order anything you want. Some people walk in here with the worst attitudes. I try to be polite, but when you start cursing at me I'm going to turn around and walk away. Keep it up and you'll be removed from the premises. And I'll smile and wave bye-bye when the nice policeman takes you away!

Yeesh, some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

clutching patience in both hands

I work at a small book store. Normally, I love my job, but some days.....
This is an actual telephone call I received a few days ago:

Me: Book Nook. May I help you?
Him: Is this a book store?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Are y'all open?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Do you have a book?
Me: Yes, sir, we have many books. Did you have a particular one in mind?
Him: Well, I need a book.
Me: What book?
Him: I don't know the name, or who wrote it. I think it has apocalypse in the name.
Me: Sir, I need the title, author's name, or ISBN. Can you give me any more information?
Him: Can't you just look up apocalypse?
Me: I can, but apocalypse as a keyword brings up over 800 entries. And that's just what's currently in print. Can you remember anything else?
Him: Well, they wrote down the name of the man that wrote it, but I don't know how to say it.
Me: Oh, you have the author's name. Just spell it out for me then.
Him: C-R-O-U-C-H
Me: Crouch. Okay, I can search for books by someone named Crouch.
Him: I don't know how to say it.
Me: That's okay, you gave me the spelling. And here it is, I found a listing for Shadow of the Apocalypse by Paul Crouch. Sound like what your looking for?
Him: Maybe, but I don't know if that's how you say his name.
Me: Sir, would you like me to order this title for you? We don't have one in stock, but I can have it in a few days, and you can decide then if it is the one you want.
Him: Maybe, I guess.

After several minutes more, he finally ordered the book. I told him it would be in Friday afternoon, after 3 p.m. He started calling Friday morning about 10 to see if his book was in.
I left out all the ums, ahs, and you knows he used. Also, the long pauses while he looked for stuff. It was really frustrating while it happened, but after I got off the phone the whole situation became funny. At least until some guy walked in ten minutes later and said "So, is this a bookstore?" I said no, and walked off.

I'm starting a list of people who are just TSTL. He's the first one on it, but you can bet he won't be the last