I went by the gym tonight and spent some time sweating. On the way home, I stopped by the bank to deposit my paycheck. It's a small bank in a small town so depositing my check means signing it and dropping it in the night box. And that's exactly what I did. Three-fourths of the way home (which isn't all that far) I suddenly heard That Voice. You know the one, it pipes up in the back of your head to tell you that you've screwed up somehow. Mine was telling me that I hadn't dropped my signed paycheck into the slot, that I had somehow dropped the envelope on the ground and left it there for someone to find. And someone would find it and throw it away or take it and cash it or something else awful. And there I'd be, minus a whole paycheck. Man, That Voice was coming up with all sorts of terrible stuff. Missed bills, late payments, so forth and so on. All of that, despite the fact that I knew I'd dropped that check into that slot. I saw it disappear. But because of That Voice, I kept wanting to turn around and go back to make sure. Even sitting here typing this, hours later, I still feel the urge to throw on some jeans and go check the bank parking lot, just to make sure. I haven't done it yet and I keep telling That Voice to shut up. Reminding myself that I saw the envelope drop into the slot. That Voice replies that maybe that's an old memory, from another night. I tell That Voice to hush up one more time.
I guess a lot of people have a Voice like that. Some people's Voices sound like somebody else. I've heard of folks hearing their mama or grandpa. I wouldn't mind hearing someone else's Voice. It's a lot easier to ignore somebody else. I hear my own voice. Let me tell you something, it can be very hard to ignore your own self talking at you, fussing and worrying, criticizing and complaining. And, man, I am mean. That Voice can bring up stuff that happened years ago, making me feel stupid all over again. So I try to tell myself to shut the fuck up. Too bad I'm so hard-headed, I don't even mind my own self. So, I'm trying to write all this out, hoping I don't sound like I'm flat crazy, thinking that maybe putting it all down like this will show That Voice that yeah, it got to me. I just won't give in to it. And I wonder, if That Voice is me, why do I get so mad? Why don't I like it?
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Ohh, that voice. Most of us have got one. It's usually a childhood survival trick - 6 year old authority telling the 3 year old how not to get in trouble, but it never realises that we're well past the 3 year old stage now. It doesn't sound like a 6 year old in tone, but maybe in intent - If you don't do what I say, you're gonna get in BIG trouble . I try to laugh at/with it, welcome it under the cloak with all the other ratbags. Give it a bit of love. Doesn't always work, though, but prevents it from always ruling the roost. :)
ReplyDeleteMine doesn't tell me to do stuff. It scorns me over and over for the mistakes I make--mistakes no one but me would even notice. I don't bother telling it to shut up, I'm hoping the lack of reaction I give it will make it go away. I'll let you know if this ever works. ;)
ReplyDeleteAcknowledging that you have dismissed the voice makes it more likely that nothing bad will happen.
ReplyDeleteI do that all the time with tornados. If I *think* I'm gonna get sucked away when the tornado sirens sound, it won't happen. So far, it's worked!