time doesn't heal, you just become accustomed

Relict

The light has fled, your eyes are dim

my own are blind in sorrow

Heart bled dry, no tears remain

This pain too great for me to bear

Grief a burden I cannot endure

Your love was my light

your life the sun of my world

Now I live in the darkness of your death

Clinging to the shadows and shades

I search for some glimmer of you

a reason to continue my journey

and I find nothing.

Temptation

Your voice steals through

my soul

luring me from twilight dreams

Offering yourself to ease

my pain

Do you even understand

this seduction you play?

No games, no rules

no safety, no promises

Just the hint

of change, the idea

of passion, the chance

of peace

And if I accept, will you own

me, body and soul?

If so, will I like it?

remind me again why I thought this was a good idea

If I were in Illinois right now, I'd beat you with that damned laptop. Really. I am going to go hunt up the grapefruit spoons now, so I'm ready when you get home.


P.S. I love you


Don't ask, I might tell.

no, I'm not smiling

I work sooo hard at my job:

This is a picture I found recently, of Shadow and I just before we got married.

Goofing off in the dispatch office:

I thought I'd be lazy tonight :)

I like kids, I just don't like parents

Hey you! Yeah, you. The bitch who just walked into the store with two under- six -years -old kids. Did you somehow miss the large, BRIGHT YELLOW, sign that reads "Do Not Leave Your Children Unattended In The Store"? I guess, even though you stood right in front of it, you just couldn't see it. You just told both of your small children to go play with the kids' books while mommy finds herself something to read. Lady, this ain't a daycare. I am not a nanny. You are the parent, those kids are your responsibility. And you sent them to the children's section, right by the door. I found you on the last aisle on the other side of the store. I'm glad none of the local sex offenders shop here. What were you thinking?
To top it all off, when I caught your kids tearing the flaps out of a $20 pop-up book, and brought them to you, you decided to get an attitude with me. Bad idea. I tried to be nice, I really did. I thought it was very polite to tell you that we have an entire aisle of used children's books, and there are even boxes of Legos on that aisle. Your kids are more than welcome to play with the blocks and books on that aisle. Apparently, you didn't want your children anywhere near you, distracting you while you looked for a Danielle Steel you hadn't read. So, finally, I just told you the owner doesn't allow unattended children in the store and parents must accompany children to the children's new book section. And I walked away, before I punched you for being a stupid, rude, negligent jackass. So, you left the store in a huff, without buying anything. Fine with me, I let my boss know about it when she came in. Of course, we both know who you are. It's a small town, and you are memorable for all the wrong reasons. Next time, hire a babysitter, I just sell books. My sympathies are with your kids. I know they are rude and obnoxious. You taught them to be that way.

memories are hell

Inspired

One long kiss

I can taste

me on his mouth

and then

Hands pinned above my head

thighs 'round his waist

ah, god, incredible

skin so thin

I convulse as he breathes

mouth open, no breath to scream

and then

I hear my voice

begging, pleading for that

one little bite, that

sharp taste of pain to

make the pleasure all the sweeter

and I know it will send me

screaming, falling off the edge of the world

and then

hands along my body

lifting, turning

flipping me on my belly

so it begins again.

Yeah, I wrote that, for my husband, couple of years after we got married. He loved it. I still miss him, and I miss what we were together.

clutching patience in both hands

I work at a small book store. Normally, I love my job, but some days.....
This is an actual telephone call I received a few days ago:

Me: Book Nook. May I help you?
Him: Is this a book store?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Are y'all open?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: Do you have a book?
Me: Yes, sir, we have many books. Did you have a particular one in mind?
Him: Well, I need a book.
Me: What book?
Him: I don't know the name, or who wrote it. I think it has apocalypse in the name.
Me: Sir, I need the title, author's name, or ISBN. Can you give me any more information?
Him: Can't you just look up apocalypse?
Me: I can, but apocalypse as a keyword brings up over 800 entries. And that's just what's currently in print. Can you remember anything else?
Him: Well, they wrote down the name of the man that wrote it, but I don't know how to say it.
Me: Oh, you have the author's name. Just spell it out for me then.
Him: C-R-O-U-C-H
Me: Crouch. Okay, I can search for books by someone named Crouch.
Him: I don't know how to say it.
Me: That's okay, you gave me the spelling. And here it is, I found a listing for Shadow of the Apocalypse by Paul Crouch. Sound like what your looking for?
Him: Maybe, but I don't know if that's how you say his name.
Me: Sir, would you like me to order this title for you? We don't have one in stock, but I can have it in a few days, and you can decide then if it is the one you want.
Him: Maybe, I guess.

After several minutes more, he finally ordered the book. I told him it would be in Friday afternoon, after 3 p.m. He started calling Friday morning about 10 to see if his book was in.
I left out all the ums, ahs, and you knows he used. Also, the long pauses while he looked for stuff. It was really frustrating while it happened, but after I got off the phone the whole situation became funny. At least until some guy walked in ten minutes later and said "So, is this a bookstore?" I said no, and walked off.

I'm starting a list of people who are just TSTL. He's the first one on it, but you can bet he won't be the last

baby steps

I haven't the faintest idea how long this is going to last. I may put stuff out here on a regular basis, and then again, I may not.
Since this is the place for my mental wanderings, there is no theme. There's no telling what's going to end up here. If someone else reads it, fine. If no one but me ever sees this, that's good too.
This digitalized reality is a very strange place. Some of it is scary, a lot of it is funny, and occasionally it's heart breaking. There's no map here, no warnings of "Here Be Dragons!". You just have to plunge in and hope you don't get eaten. The natives are restless, and you never know whether your next encounter will be with a cannibal, a chimera, or just another explorer out for a stroll. Sometimes you meet a friendly native who points you a little further along the way. I wouldn't want to live here, but visiting is certainly interesting, if not always fun.
I find that people out here will say anything, anytime, without regards to "real world" customs. We take on and put off masks so easily here. Being the person you wish you were is a nice fantasy. Sometimes spewing venom is easier when you don't have to see the results in person. And if you are too shy or nervous to deal with people in real life, anonymity is a relief. There is a feeling of freedom here, saying whatever you want without worrying about whether it's right or wrong.
Certainly nothing in this initial post is new or earth shaking. That's why the title is "baby steps". I'm not going for world changing. I just want to see if I am brave enough to put something of myself further out into the world and deal with the consequences. And maybe I just want to say all the things I bite my tongue on in real life.